lambu aata, lukka bhaay and gang

i have lately been subjecting myself to unspeakable atrocities.

it all began when i saw a film named summer 2007 with my kingston flatmates. “i saw” means glanced at it in between aneurysm-inducing dialogues and directionless plot progression. to say the least, i could not sleep that night, suffering from flashing images of long haired ‘dudes’ gossiping about some girl in college who got pregnant and debating about who the father could be, gul panag incessantly refering to her friend as ‘babes’…and so on and so forth.

then came the painful WANTED. left me wondering why on earth did morgan freeman decide to act in it. the only saving grace in the film was angelina jolie and her innumerable tattoos, some strategically placed. and to top it all off, i spent six pounds of my hard-earned money at the cinema to see the film ( hate to call it that!). curving bullets, mindless stunts and inexplicable twists and turns left my stomach turning.

but the ordeal was not over. i have been staying at ameya’s place since the 13th. after a nice dinner, we all decided to watch a film. frankly speaking, my hard disk does not have the kind of movies people would appreciate here. i try not to expose my friends here to atom egoyan or tarkovsky in fear of being clobbered. so we unanimously decided to watch mithunda’s (commonly known as ‘prabhuji’) LOHA. directed by some chap named kanti shah. the film sports a stellar cast of mohan joshi, razak khan, harish patel, deepak shirke, kiran kumar and the like.

the names of these characters are prime examples of golden pencil winning copy -lambu aata, lukka, bulla, lucky chikna, ibu hatela, babu batla etc etc.

the film was advertised as a mithun starrer. surprisingly, he had almost nothing to do, except his oscar winning dialogue – “dikhne mein bewda, bhaagne mein ghoda aur marne mein hathoda.”

most of the maaramaari is done by dharam paaji who sounds as if he’s had too much ice cream and showered with cold water in the middle of winter!

almost all the dialogues are rhyming. one classic example is mouthed by deepak shirke –

“main bina petrol ki gadi hoon, bina nashe ki taadi hoon…main wo phateli sadi hoon jise koi hijda bhi nahi pehnega”

the film is shot on effectively three locations – an airport, a dock and one bungalow where assorted females are raped just for effect. relentless violence, profanities thrown around, songs appearing out of nowhere…the film is a classic example of what not to do! it left me wondering why the film was called LOHA of all things, until this scene came along.

(to readers whose net speeds are not so good, the above scene depicts veeru paaji catching a bullet with his bare hands.)

towards the end, there is one more scene that affirms the directors vision and reasoning behind the naming of the monstrosity. mohan joshi (or whoever the evil rapist was) attempts to hit dharmendra with a steel pipe. but wonder of wonders, all one hears is a metallic CLUNK CLUNK as the evil man with pipe unsuccessfully tries to inflict injuries on the man of steel! that’s when it struck me…i had very foolishly kept myself away from such awe-inducing products of ‘bollywood.’ by dropping names like fellini, truffaut, majidi, tarkovsky and their like, i had unwittingly distanced myself from such gems of human imagination as LOHA.

the flm has everything-drama, songs, whistle-worthy dialogues, rapes, choice gaalis…and yes – comedy¬† too! this element appears in the nonsensical, altogether disconnected five minutes of the ‘love story’ of govinda and manisha koirala, and the extremely irritating character of dinesh hingoo. i do not even wish to elaborate on that.

as the film ended, we all came to the conclusion that kanti shah had a lot of black money and he needed to spend it anyhow. and with his bhai log ka contact, he even managed to get the star cast. one cannot help but notice that towards the end, mithunda and govinda sound the same. the reason for this defective piece of sound engineering was collectively reasoned to be the disgust the actors felt after they saw the final product.

all in all, LOHA reaffirmed my belief that anything goes in the name of ‘bollywood.’

please…do not rest. there is more to come!!

it is believed that once a tiger tastes human blood, he goes mad and becomes a man-eater, looking for anything he can find and attacking guileless humans who happen to cross its path. the same happened with me, as a day after, we decided to look at one more kanti shah product…just to see what that man is capable of. and then came GUNDA. an out and out mithun starrer. same cast, same locations but a slightly better storyline. better as in terms of continuity and an iota of sense. just a teeny weeny bit of it.

for the full review, see here

the main villain in the film is ‘bulla’ played by mukesh rishi. the hallmark of kanti shah’s films is the patent dialogue given to every character.

bulla – mera naam hai bulla, rakhta hoon main khulla.

pote – mera naam hai pote, jo apne baap ke bhi nahi hote.

ibu hatela – main hoon ibu hatela. maa meri chudail ki beti, baap mera shaitan ka chela…khayega kela?

dialogues by bashirbhai babbar. no comments.

this film has one scene that will be known as the height of imagination for centuries to come. razak khan plays lucky chikna, a pimp who does not fear calling the girls who work for him by their more common adjectives. i do not wish to write those words here in view of decency. he has an innovative kotha. a scene starts where he is sitting on a cot with one of his girls, asking her “usko thanda karke aa.” the camera zooms out, and this is where all four of us fell out of the bed laughing hysterically, kicking out feet in the air and at whatever came in the way.

there were about fifty cots suspended from the ceiling, with girls lying on them with one arm under their heads.

“dekh apun ki latakti khaat ka idea kya solid hai.”

lucky chikna tells his girl about his idea with the pride of a nobel prize winner. and BAM! mithunda punches him in the face. right there, a fight sequence begins, with men hanging on to the ropes and fighting in mid-air.

my eyes all teary, stomach and back hurting, i could not bear to see what happened after.

i somehow managed to see the film right to its end, with the last fight sequence involving close to a hundred rickshaws and thirty spotless white ambassadors. it reminded me of those chitrahaar dance numbers with jeetu and sridevi…with the millions of matkas and suitcases and oranges and what not strewn as far as the eye could see!

after it was all over, i turned my laptop off, wiped my screen, said sorry to myself a dozen times and vowed to get my hands on as many kanti shah films as i could.

next stop – phoolan hasina ramkali.

pray for me.

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3 comments

  1. funny to the core….
    I mean the dialogues, the sheer stupidity, the amusement…fuck…miss this!!

    as you said, kanti shah’s movies beckon!


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